Posted 2005-01-22 23:32:39 by
It feels odd talking about a movie that few if any of you will get the chance to see -- for all I know, this may be the only copy in existence -- but here I am anyways.
Jason was going through his pile of VHS tapes last night, and came up with a tiny nugget of joy that a friend of his created, called “Tetris: The Movie.” It is, I kid you not, a 65 minute movie of the director and star, Placenta Ovaries, playing Nintendo's NES version of Tetris. Drawn by hand in blue ink, the cover quotes child-star-turned-junkie Todd Bridges as saying “I like this movie.” I would probably never have watched it by myself, but as a foil for amusing conversation with Jason, it was pretty good.
So, the review. Placenta is, um, an okay Tetris player. He gets the city to take off rather than the flying saucer on the pad, for instance, and he finishes game type B, level 9, height 5, after many, many tries.
But the interesting part of the movie -- and thank god there is one -- is that after about 10 minutes, Placenta starts messing with things. The best of these messes is when Placenta overdubs a commentary purportedly criticizing the gameplay of his best game. The commentary is precise in its manner of speaking, full of the kind of unnecessary clarification you get from nerds (such as myself) who are loathe to make a technically incorrect statement. Contradictorily, the commentary goes from hoping that the player doesn't think he -- or she -- is a tetris master to insulting the player for thinking of himself -- or herself -- as a tetris master. To top it off, the commentary doesn't even match the game, referring to a particular bad move with a block when there were no recent block placements. He also refers several times to the player's number of lines, and not only do they not match the number of lines the player actually has, the number he quotes is lower each time.
Other things I can remember:
So. I don't regret watching it, but I wouldn't want to see it again. Unless it was to show it to a curious party; that could be amusing.
- The game cuts to the NES version of Narc for a few seconds.
- The audio is replaced by a recording of an entirely different game of Tetris. This is remarkably disconcerting at first, especially hearing the “rotation” sound when the square piece is in play.
- The game pauses, then unpauses to a different game.
- The music is replaced by a remix of Hit Me Baby One More Time, which I'm told was made entirely within Windows Sound Recorder.
- In one of the later games, he doesn't “drop” any of the pieces that will give him a tetris. He just waits for them to fall on their own ... very, very slowly.
- He uses a cheat code of some sort to skip right to level 19. He gives up getting to level 20 after a few tries.
- Jet engine noises.
- At the end, after a few minutes of blank screen, there's a few seconds of bad porn and then a few more minutes of Tetris, with a loud droning noise drowning out the NES soundtrack. That's the actual ending, as far as I know.