i know you. you're one of those punks who downloaded this invitation intro thinking our other demos were all ha ha funny. well you'll watch this scroll for thirty seconds and then hit escape. but you'll find yourself wanting more. something that will blow you away. so you'll run it again, looking for the "hidden phart", maybe something like the pictures in the cronologia scroller, and hit escape after thirty seconds again. yeah, i think i know you. i know you to more significant digits than either of us are comfortable with.... hello all of you demo denizens. you're all sitting there so secure in your comfy chairs. bored out of your mind. (this is beek of lightspeed, by the way.) what to do? what to dooo? this whole intro was made to bring -you- to the demoparty, spring break '99 here in san diego, california, usa! dear god! how could this be? a north american demoparty? .. yeah. so anyway i'll start out with the basic info. you can check the page out at http://skaro.scene.org/sb99 and get all the detailed information that you might be craving. however--do not quit this invtro and load opera! oh no! it is your duty as a scener to keep your eyes glued to this scrolly, and read it the whole way through! one more time, though.. wait.. maybe you should have a pen or pencil handy.. and a piece of paper might be nice, too, eh? i guess i can wait.. hmm.. got it yet?.... still no? ... almost there? ....... i'll keep waiting ...3.141592653589729385723598273592835729358723958273592835723958273523.. ha haha. you didn't actually think i knew pi past like.. the 9th digit, did you? anyway, i hope you have your writing utensils ready. this is the last time i'm going to plug the url! http://skaro.scene.org/sb99 .. got that? good. on to the more important items. (items?) before we get too far into this scrolltext, i'll list off a few greets here. greets to all of lightspeed (pfister.. gyspy, neko, and jettah), process5 (eglfalcn, chris, sklathill, vv, caramel, paso, lemm, thefear).. the irc crew! dennisc, psykosi, eraser, lordpyro, firestar, andy, anders, balrog, basehead, ballistique, druidd, rs3, lizard, darkhalo, exokai, nothing, human (kochun--the irc warrior), gd, clyde, the mann, sno, hb, hosebeast, higherbeing, hyperbole, riders on the storm, kisu, lycros, perisoft, bigmac, scrm, mickrip, yannis, liz, debi, connie, heather, chris, carlo, joaquin, hien, rafael, con, marcy, david,shireen, dana, scott, ray, ratboy, tanya, kate, tlaloc, pedro, zach, michelle, katie, meghan, rew, aluma, ryder, brian, mitch, jake, sean, aric, alex, thomas, bina, milla, luba, jack, josh, joe, rachel, laura, bianca, ben, govna, liversedge, chap, and alex levine. whew! how about for some group greets! dc5, ex-hornet, fm, ex-shadow, exiles, fc, emf, kfmf, s!p, sorcerers, dcb, orange, triton, the klf, witan, mon, abyss, topaz beerline, and ibmland! waw. greets to all the following countries! mexico, sverige, norge, suomi, espana, canada, brazil, argentina, chile, columbia, france, somalia, uganda, ethiopia, uretreya, guatemala, prussia, mongolia, outer mongolia, india, oklahoma, australia, austria, russia, frobnia. so anyway, we wanted this scrolltext to have an oldschoolish feel -- if you think you've got what it takes to be a scrolltext writer, contact us!@ .. beek@san.rr.com is my e-mail so if you have the skills, please consider becoming our scroll text writer.. we could use one, no? yesterday was a good day because for breakfast, i had .. a pound of bacon .. two dozen eggs .. a loaf of toast .. some biscuits .. and a tic-tac! fancy that! a tic-tac! and he came to a door.. and he said.. father.. yes son? i want to kill you. mother? i want to.. bealeahughggaelelaelaleleaa!! yeah!! uh huh!@3 come on!@@! uh huh.. come on baby take a chance with us.. come on baby.. take a chance with us.. the sky's blue! pfister's trying to get his computer working -- or, at least, he's supposed to be. he's just standing there, watching me write this text (and fuck up the spelling over and over again like a yackass).. ooh! he turned his computer on! does this mean progress for the sb99 invtro? i think so! hopefully he will start coding the effects that i wanted him to code. we've got some big ideas for this invtro of ours.. i mean, here we are. it's the 28th of february.. a sunday. psykosi and pfister are over.. and we're making an invtro. and what do we do instead of graphics and music? we do scrolltext! it's kind of interesting that i can write all this bullshit down before the demo's done.. you get an insider's look into the lives of lightspeed! oh yes! and when will foolish2 be released? when you stop thinking about it! this is the end, my friend. wooooooooooooooooooooooo.. this is the end, children. my only friend, the end. he wants to set you free.. i like misquoting.. lyric.. ally.. the end.. of laughter.. yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.. the end, my friend. is this text easy to read? you know, i won't know because he hasn't coded the scaling effects that i want him to put in this scrolly yet.. right now, he's still trying to get his modem to work. one thing that i think is worth mentioning is my love toward hos -- and how it it doesn't exist. i've got 0 love.. actually, not even 0 love.. i only say 0 love so people understand it, instead of me saying "empty set" or "null" or something.. but since i've the chance to express my lack of love for hos on this computer, i can write it here for you. love for hos = {} .. see that? an empty set! there's nothing inside of it! not even zero! this is truly a wesside day. .. do you like organ solos? i like them when they're about 5 notes long and muted. that's the only way i can listen to organ solos.. unless they're by madeski martin and wood, you know? the first time i heard that album it seemed pretty bad.. but then.. like.. i played it again, after awhile... and i was like.. "what the shit? this is some goodass music! and anybody who disagrees with me is a mark ass bitch!" .. and you know what? yo, je, jag, jeg, mina, i, ich, io, ego.. am getting tired of writing scroll text.. but i won't let that stop me! i laugh in the face of opposition! no seriously. hmm. pfister just made a remark. "surely something interesting must've happened to you recently." .. and i thought, and thought. and thought.. and thought... (for about 5 seconds).. i've come up with something to share with all of you! you see, a few weeks ago, i was running on a lowly pentium 200 non-mmx, with a 15" monitor that could do nothing above 1024x768. and a case that was dirty, old, run-down, and, most importantly, too big. oh yeah and i only had 64 mb of ram. (haha, and pfister's got 16.) so anyway.. i decided it was time for an upgrade. so i get a k6-2, 400mhz, and a new motherboard, 128mb of 100hz ram, .. and a new case .. you've installed a case before, right? you know how the edges aren't filed down or anything.. and you can easily cut yourself on the edges? wohohohahe. well did i ever learn this the hard way. but first off i've to tell you the story of the great shock. so i'm installing the motherboard into this new case, right? all of a sudden i move this huge wire going from the power supply to the inside of the case.. and afeouhakuhaegw! i get shocked! wheew.. and part of my hand turned red, too. crazy, no? i thought so too! we've so much in common! .. as if that wasn't enough, i cut myself like.. 10 times! once when i was moving the case.. see that one right there? that's a ghetto scar. and the other one? that was from when i was trying to unplug the power to one of my cd-rom's drive. and that white patch in my eye? that's from when i got battery acid in it.. er.. uh.. anyway.. so i'm gushing blood, right? but i just -have- to get the ide cable into that goddamn floppy drive!@ jesus shit! so now the cable's got like.. blood on it and stuff.. nasty eh? such is the life of a demoscener. anyway, i've been writing this scroll text for.. quite awhile now.. i think i'll hand this over to pfister, because i know he's dying to tell you some weird-ass shiz.. oh yes.. shiz.. so, i'm going to save this in notepad, and then check the filesize.. our goal is 64k you know. we model ourselves after the best -- the sorcerers! screw fancy 3d shit! that kind of demo is suck!!!!! the only real kind of demo is a goddamn scroller. beek / lightspeed, signing off. so beek wrote 8k in one sitting. i am impressed. god damn it. i have an essay due in 11 hours, and i'm sitting here writing this shit instead of starting it. i've been going through high school and now college on pure momentum, and i think it's going to catch up with me this semester. oh well. someone has to work at burger king, right? i wonder... when i was younger, i wrote long scrolltexts for intros that i never released. i thought they were pretty good, in the oldskool style. now, though, i don't think i am capable of emulating the oldskool style so well. i wonder if this is a change in my skills, or my perception of said skills. i wish i still had some of those old intros. hmm... you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, right? beek says "fucking shit up" is wrong because it ends with a preposition, and "fucking up shit" is proper. so how would you say something like "i didn't like that shit we were fucking up"? the best i can think of is "i didn't like the shit up which we were fucking". actually... what about a sentence like "i picked it up"? "up" is a preposition, isn't it? it ought to be "i picked up it". jesus fucking h. bald-headed christ, son of god and creator of the gospel, i have an essay due in 11 hours. i've already missed one this semester. and yet i'm spending my time on this garbage. "competitions et concours offrant plus de 8000 $ en prix! un evenement unique en son genre en amerique du nord competiteurs venus des etats-unis et de partout au canada. en spectacle samedi soir: le groupe force 10." no. i'm sorry, that's not spring break. that was "le techno.demo.party naid apraxia 1996". it's french, i assume. it seems to be a safe assumption. spring break 99 is a ways away. good thing too, since foolish 2 isn't near completion. because of the punks who said they'd record the voices for the characters but never did. i'm not going to name punkass names, because i'm a nice guy, but i'm going to cap all their punk asses. ok, i guess my not working on it in months has something to do with it too. jesus christ. if a nickel shot out of my ass for every time someone couldn't do a demo for a party because he or she was fucked over by people who pretended to want to help, i'd have to go to the bank with a bagful of shit-coated nickels and say "i'd like to make a deposit". then they'd ask me why all the nickels were coated with shit, i wouldn't be able to say that it was because they shot out of my ass... hmm. what could i have said? hmm.. "i'm an exotic dancer, and these are my tips." well, that was unnecessary. let's move on. i feel bad because i can't write scrolltexts as well as beek can. or at least not the same volume. 8k. hey. wait just a minute. he put a arseload of spaces all through his text. what a loser! i wouldn't do a thing like that. i have standards! you hear me, beek?! you punk ass bitch!!1 and he took all the good cliches, or at least the greetings list. i would add a greetings list to greet the people i should greet, but there aren't that many that i can really think of.. i wouldn't want to forget people and cause them to feel bad. that would be a bad thing. the monkeys are listening. hmm.. since you've sat your ass through this text, i'll confess to something interesting. the last scrolltext i wrote was for a demo... called... wormhole. yeah. in 1995 or so, under an alias, i coded a qbasic wormhole, and i wrote a scrolltext for it with a friend (whom i have lost contact with since). hihi. it was a violent affair. and in the end, it was only 16k or so. this text is... oh. it's about 12k. 8k of which is beek's. i was about to go on about how my writing must have improved in the past four years! but no, i'm still writing short scrolltexts. i'm sure now you'll want to come to spring break. you can hear me whine about how pathetic my life is! i'm just tired. because i stayed up late at night, assuming i would write that essay due in 10 hours and 15 minutes. god fucking jesus shit argh. not long ago, i made a conscious decision not to swear. oh well. these are trying times. when i explained my predicament to beek, he said "you'll never get anywhere if you doom yourself from the start". i hate him. go away! stop listening to me. i want to ramble in peace. argh argh argh. oh, but i long for the days when i could do nothing and not feel guilty about it. now i have scene-related projects and stuff that i want to do and stuff that other people want me to do but i haven't touched. (but i'm touching this one, see?) and school. and i have to find a job. anyone have a position for a decent coder/scrolltext writer? i work on the cheap... no dice? shoot. well, i (psykosi, if you prefer complete honesty) managed to get my soundcard and mouse working again, but i still have no working modem. so after today, i have no idea how beek and i will complete this invtro. he has music and graphics and scrolltext writing yet to do, and i have to code, code, code. you can tell i put an immense quantity of work into this code, eh? eh? eh? go .. away .. i .. do not .. like you .. much. i'm hungry. i've got the major munchies, dude. i'm going to see if there is anything tasty that the rats haven't gotten to yet. i hate the rats. and beek never did release the "english" patch to ekornet. what a bastard! what a soup sipping bastard. hmm.. and i promised in space_bollocks to get mac invaders 2 out by the end of 1996. it had a smiley after it too, saying "ha ha, of course it will be sooner than that". but no. broken promises, evasions, and downright lies. i do it too. you know what? it turns out you really need your tonsils. i've been coding a bit.. that shadow looks a hell of a lot better than i expected it would. too bad it takes up 75% of the cpu time. maybe i'll recode another part of it use a lookup table! after all, all optimization is an exercise in caching, or so someone who knows someone who knows terje mathisen said. this is the end. meet my only friend, the end. i should be coding, but i am not. i should be writing that essay. there. i wrote some of the essay. now don't you wish i would go code some more? i'm sure you do. digital force, fuck your horse! isn't this music great? i assume it will be, since beek hasn't written it yet. unless he ends up using that one oldskoolish tune he played a while ago, in which case i just don't remember what it sounds like. but i remember it being reasonably good. like i said, isn't this tune good? isn't that flashing thing in the corner great? well right now, it doesn't match the background, but that's ok, since beek will be redoing the animation anyways. yes, it's an animation. i know what you're thinking: if he can make the fade-to-black shadow behind that most excellent sb99 logo, why can't he make a fade-to-white flashing thing? oh yes, her name is joy. beek tells me her name is joy. so why can't i code joy? well, i can. i just didn't. i happened to have some routines on hand already to combine to make the shadow. code reuse! yay! isn't this joyful? come to spring break 99! it's only a few thousand miles away. come, and mingle with the san diego warez doodz and quake players! see foolish 2, in the unlikely event that we at lightspeed manage to get a watchable alpha of it running! got midterms? get your priorities straight! this is the scene! join us. bring the family. talk to the coder and musician and nonexistant graphician of lightspeed. well, don't expect me to respond, because chances are relatively high that i actively dislike you. well no, of course not you. but maybe your friend over there in the corner. anyways, i promise not to throw rocks at you. er. most of you. now. it's time for me to quaff a pot of coffee, grind off my nose on the grindstone, and get this essay done. wish me luck. i don't think i'll be sleeping tonight. yay. i finished it, handed it in, and am back home. time to sleep. hi there. it's been a few days since i touched this invtro, but now i have to study for a math test, so it's been coming along well. now the spotlight is applied dynamically and stuff. it doesn't move around yet though. and joy is now displayed through the miracle of an intensity lookup table whatchamacallit instead of animation. ok i lied. but now she is. the scroll font is properly "antialiased" now, and the spotlight moves about, but the logo shadow is no longer working properly! ok, ok. you probably don't want a blow by blow. i'll just concentrate on getting it done. hmm.. have any of you noticed how similar toe jam and earl is to nethack? you've got your randomly generated levels. you've got your items of unknown behavior which you must identify. you've got names for experience levels. you've got confusion and paralysis. you've got "presents" of magic mapping, sleep, teleportation, monster creation, gain experience, and.. the list would go on if i could think of anything more. really. i think this is a reasonable connection. tj&e was clearly inspired by nethack. hmm.. well now i think i have the bulk of the code complete. most of the bugs are hammered out... (off by one? increase the buffer size!) music support is in there (midas, of course). now i must find a way to exchange files with beek again, having no working modem. oh yeah, there were a few more features i wanted to throw in... secret stuff! so secret, they may not even be in any version of the invtro at all! ha ha ha! i have made an innovation which will ensure the supremacy of lightspeed scrolltexts for the next hundred years. everything under the sun is in tune but the sun is eclipsed by the moon. i think i'll go play some quake golf. hmm.. let's try something else.. that doubled the framerate. and that made the spotlight look much less like a contour map. yay! oh yeah. come to spring break 1999! meet lots of interesting people! quit today! pay cash! don't retire! die broke! penniless and insane! meet the west coast demo producers. you'll like us -- like scott joplin, we entertain! like tito jackson, we taxin' the ukraine! beek was handel's messiah! wickarse! hey. i get no bite from shampoo. i know what must be running through your head just now. "hey, jim! what's with that .pud file! i can't rip your k-rad pcx files out of this one! whats with that shit, man?" well, heh heh, and this is a funny story, folks, it's actually compressed. we want to take back the space that midas stole from us! actually it's just my shoddy interpretation of the lempel-ziv algorithm, which i coded as an exercise. it's not particularly good, but it works almost 2 to 1 with this material (at least the "material" the time of this writing), and it's better than nothing. see. this is why a coder isn't supposed to write scrolltexts. i bet if you like, give me a quick, sh.. short, sharp, shock, i won't do it again. dig it? i mean, good manners don't cost nothing, do they? 'ey! i've done enough damage already. i'm shutting off now. while i'm still here and not gone, i think i'll plug quake golf! it's not available anywhere, but adammil coded it, and it's mad phat. if you're nice to him at sb99 (if he shows up, that is), maybe he'll trade it to you for some... thing... he's of the friendly sort. he let me borrow his super nintendo. i was playing super mario all stars, and there's one thing that bugs me to no end (aside from all the sound and music changes). it's breaking bricks in smb1. you go -through- the brick! in the original, you bounced back down, just like when you hit a solid brick, but in this version, you break the brick and then go halfway through! not only is this is a significant gameplay change, it makes the whole game feel .. icky. breaking bricks in the new mario is like... is like... grabbing a piece of fruit which looks ok but is actually rotten. i hope the new color gameboy version doesn't do this. oh, right. i was going to stop, wasn't i? in case you need some help getting to the party place, here are the directions: drive south on i-5 until you hit nobel drive, then hang a left. keep going until you see the dirt road right past the water tower.. turn onto that. keep going right until you reach the spot where the big stump used to be, then keep going straight until you see smoke. follow the smoke to find the party place! if you get lost on the way, watch for people who look like sceners by the side of the road. they can probably tell you which way to go. at least you can be lost together! hmm.. the girl scout cookies just arrived. i was shocked when i greedily tore open a box of thin mints and found that the box was only .75 filled.. the boxes and even inner plastic bag packaging are the same size, but the cookies only fill .75 of the bag! i know, thin mints are crap anyways. samoas are the cookie of choice, and they come 15 to a package... but thin mints are supposed to at least come in large quantities! i feel ripped off. i'm going to horribly berate the next girl scout i see. maybe we can go a huntin' together at sb99. but only if you come to sb99! get your ass to spring break this year.